By Tarzana Joe



All the men who’ve medaled
Or celebrities who’ve danced
Seems to me that every one’s
Augmented or enhanced

Artists that we idolized
And athletes that we trusted
Every single one of them
Eventually gets busted

Runners who had stumbled
And who barely could complete
Suddenly are posting times
Alongside the elite

Pitchers who had lost it
All at once regain their form
What was once anathema
Has now become the norm

Many who’ve observed this trend
Have spent their time lamenting
I, like Huey Lewis think
That we should be inventing

Grants should be extended
Yes, and mountains must be moved
For there is one profession
That could stand to be improved

I’ve set some lofty goals
But the most urgent of my missions
Performance enhancing drugs
For politicians

A chemical concoction
They could swallow or inject
To help them build biographies
Deserving of respect

A pill that stops the vocal cords
Pronouncing words, uncouth
A potion that’s effective at
Eliciting the truth

Something so they don’t a appear
Like loads of old Malarkey
Countering their urge to be
So petulant and snarky

We all need this new medicine
Without pause or delayment
I know it may be pricey
But I’ll cover the co-payment



Tarzana Joe, the poet laureate of the Hugh Hewitt Radio Show, can be heard on air in the 3rd hour of the broadcast on most Fridays. His wonderful poetry can be found at

Reprint with permission by Tarzana Joe, who can be contacted to pen the perfect poem for any occasion at …see the linked form.