OK GOP. I’m sorry we have to meet under these circumstances, but it’s important.
I know you’ve been through a lot lately. You lost that tough election for President. You think people just don’t understand you. And you’re right … I don’t know how anyone could really understand exactly how you feel. I know you’re tired and depressed. But we need to talk.
These people you’ve been hanging out with lately are not your real friends. They’re what we call “enablers.” They tell you what you want to hear. They tell you what you’re supposed to do to be liked by your opponents in Washington. Well, here’s the plain truth – you will never be liked by your opponents in Washington no matter how hard you try. As long as you’re the opponent you’ll always be called names, like racist, sexist, or bigot.
The side with the most media gets the most positive stories.
They taunt you with derision every time you give in. You’re called spineless or unprincipled, hypocritical, or a flip-flopper. That’s the world of politics these people live in. They use you. They depend on your money, your donations, for their income. And, let’s face it – you’ve become dependent upon them! You’re not thinking for yourself anymore.
Now, I realize that you think I’m about as important to you as an 18th century tobacco farmer, but I am one of your real friends; and a real friend will look you in the eyes and tell you the plain, honest truth, even though it may be hard for you to take, whether you like it or not. You have real friends, but lately you’ve been turning your back on them.
Frankly, the only reason you’re even here and not laying face-down in a gutter somewhere is because your real friends have been watching your back, covering for you. But lately you’ve been showing signs of real stress, behaving erratically. And I thought we’d better talk because, frankly, you’ve started to hurt even your own real friends.
So, even though you won’t ask for help, I’m going to tell you the truth and give you some advice. I hope you will listen and take advantage of what I have to say.
I’ll give it to you straight – You are an addict!
You’re addicted to affection, but giving everyone gifts will not make them your friends. You’re addicted to power, using the tax code to manipulate everybody around you, but it’s not your job to be the boss of everyone. You’re addicted to money, but whatever you get is never enough, and it’s only gotten worse lately. The more you spend the more you seem to need. We can’t keep doing this anymore. Whenever you see us you just yell at us, tell us something is our fault, and demand more money. Then, when we try to help, you won’t even talk to us. You tell us to go away, leave you alone, quit bothering you, to shut up.
You promise you won’t break your word but then you do. You promise you won’t ask for more money but then you do. You promise you won’t keep interfering but then you do. It never stops.
I know, there’s always some reason, some excuse. If we don’t go along with you then things will be even worse. If we had gone along with you then things would be fine. Since we didn’t go along with you then now we’re really in trouble. But all your excuses are starting to ring hollow. At some point we all just look around and find we’re in a big hole that you and your friends have dug us into. And it hurts us; it hurts our heart when we know you could be so good! and we really care about you!
Truth is, we’re feeling abused, and we can’t take much more of it. Something needs to be done.
You’re not alone to blame, I know. We’ve all played along with this for far too long. We’ve been waiting for you to hit bottom, to figure out that you just can’t go on this way, and to turn to us for some help. But you haven’t, and you just won’t. Instead, lately, you’ve become even more belligerent and more difficult than ever.
You need help! You need to see a doctor. We’ve checked everywhere, studied the best in the field, researched disciplines and practices. The good news is we’ve found someone who can help! He’s a wonderful man, considerate, kind, wise, with years of experience in these matters. Funny thing, it turns out he’s a friend of the family. He’s considered a sort of crazy old uncle by many, but he gets results.
We want you to see him. Sometime this season, sit with him for a while. Consult with him. We’d like you to do this voluntarily, because if something isn’t done about this soon there’s going to be trouble. His name is Franklin, Doctor Benjamin Franklin. He specializes in something called Constitutional Federalism. He’s the real deal. Look him up and, please, call on him … soon!